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About five minutes into watching Bangkok Dangerous I started getting a little worried.  The film, while far from being good, was not the travesty I was expecting, nor did it seem as terrible as critics had made it out to be.  Mentally I started rehearsing what I was going to write: “It takes a strong man to admit he was wrong…”

Fortunately (for me) the apology was soon forgotten. After about 30 minutes Bangkok Dangerous revealed itself to be a dire mess of a film. A true travesty of film-making. And then it got worse, a lot worse…

SPOILER ALERT: The rest of this review contains numerous spoilers, including the events from the conclusion of the film.

Summary Table

Bangkok Dangerous opens in Prague, where we meet Joe (Nicolas Cage,) who is on an assignment to kill a police informant. All through the prologue we are treated to a dreary narration by Cage as he tells us about himself, what he does and the pros and cons of his profession. Sample narration: My job takes me to a lot of places. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I’d like to meet someone, but it’s tough when you live out of a suitcase. My name is Joe. This is what I do.

After assassinating the informant Joe returns to his apartment where he is met by the desperate young junkie who has been his go between on this job.  To show exactly what kind of cold-hearted killer Joe is, he swiftly dispatches his assistant and proceeds to cover his tracks.

We next catch up with Joe as he is departing to Bangkok for his last job. He has been contracted to eliminate four targets for a huge payday which will allow him to retire. (I wonder what assassins-for-hire do when they retire?) After he drops his bags off at his safe house (a huge, well-appointed two floor home – very inconspicuous) we are told by Cage via the voice-over track that as an assassin one often disconnects from humanity, and that he needs to reconnect. As it turns out reconnecting with humanity involves walking around the slums of Bangkok at night taking photographs.

While reconnecting Joe observes Kong, a young Thai conman and pick-pocket fleecing a group of American tourists.  Joe decides to hire Kong as his runner for the duration of his stay in Bangkok (little known fact: a pick-pocket conman makes for a very reliable package courier.) Joe sends Kong on a string of errands, all of which involve Kong alternately collecting and delivering briefcases to a dancing club in Bangkok.

Meanwhile Joe completes his first assignment.  All throughout his preparation we can see he is starting to have doubts. We know this because there are random intervals of Cage staring forlornly into the camera. (It seems Joe is quite depressed and in need of counseling or a long vacation) To keep with the general assassin theme of remaining inconspicuous Joe decides to perform his first assassination at a busy intersection while riding a large German motorcycle. Just before departing for the hit Joe is interrupted by a young street urchin.  Joe and the innocent young child share a moment (they stare deeply into each others eyes for about 30 seconds) before Joe races off to perform the hit.

Upon his return from a job well done, the young urchin from before decides to jump in front of Joe’s motorcycle, causing him to take evasive action resulting in a minor injury. Joe therefore seeks medical attention in a little back-alley pharmacy. It is here that Joe meets his soul-mate, a deaf mute Thai pharmacist. (I wish I was making this up, I really do.) Joe decides that the best way to win her over is to stalk her, which he does by lurking about the pharmacy and staring at her.  Eventually he builds up the courage to ask her out to dinner, an invitation she gladly accepts.

One night Kong is late returning from one of his assignments, so Joe decides it is time to cut his losses and kill the young courier. However, as Joe is about to slit Kong’s throat he has an attack of conscience and decides instead to take Kong on as his protege. Sample narration: “I don’t know why I did not kill him. Maybe it was because I saw something in his eyes. He reminded me of myself.”

Things progress and Joe dispatches his targets while simultaneously training Kong in martial arts and firearms as well as continuing his whirlwind romance with the pharmacist. Meanwhile, the kingpin who has hired Joe is getting cold feet about the arrangement and is plotting his demise through his connection with Kong and Kong’s dancer girlfriend.

So that, in a nutshell is the plot.

I do not know where to begin with conveying how terrible Bangkok Dangerous actually is. The script is atrocious, with clunky dialogue and such asinine symbolism scattered throughout. The pacing is so slow as to induce boredom, with scene after dreary scene of Nicolas Cage staring at the camera in what seems to be his best attempt at coming across as thoughtful or troubled.

The romance between Joe and the pharmacist is nothing short of laughable. (It is only after about three-quarters of their scenes together that Joe bothers to discover her name.) Their entire relationship consists of them staring at each other.  Joe does not understand sign language, so she is incapable of communicating with him other than by simple gestures. How they manage to form a deep and meaningful bond is anyone’s guess as this is not apparent from anything in the script or on the screen.  But we know they have connected because they stare meaningfully at each other while panpipes play in the background. Frankly this part of the story is nothing short of insulting, not only to deaf people but to the entire audience.

For an action film, the action scenes are few and far between.  What action sequences there are, are not particularly fulfilling, with little innovation or originality in their presentation.  The film concludes with its most idiotic and simultaneously most innovative scene.  After killing scores of people, and being rejected by his soul-mate, Joe finally corners the Thai kingpin that has been trying to have him killed. Joe has been seriously wounded so decides to take his own life as well as that of his target. So he sits besides him, puts his head against his victim’s and blows their brains out. The end.

In conclusion, Bangkok Dangerous is an irredeemably poor excuse for a move.  It is simply unworthy of having an audience and everyone involved deserves to find their way onto an assassin’s hitlist.